Your Company is not Dynamic and Other Job Ad Clichés

What the fuck is up with using the word ‘dynamic’ in job ads? It’s the worst kind of hypocrisy from employers who want original, tailored cover letters and résumés from me, to use meaningless buzzwords in their own ads. This word irks me in particular because it conjures mental images of open plan office full of young, vigorous go-getters hungry for success with long, virile dicks and aggrandised smiles. Get the fuck outta here; no company looks like that. Actually, I have worked in one such place, and their dynamism was hiding a cashflow shortage and they went broke. Every un-dynamic place I’ve worked in that had grumpy, bespectacled old bitches running the accounts department and lazy, corrupt drones doing the leg work seemed to function pretty well – they left the dynamism to the sales reps and the annual team bonding excursions where it belonged. Your company is not ‘dynamic’, you’re just delirious. I’ve had a lot of jobs and at best, the staff are simply happy to be employed, paid and grateful for a healthy work culture. Usually though, the place is full of selfish assholes just aching for the first ladder-climbing power play they can make and the building is practically crawling with negative energy, and not the dynamic kind.

I mean, my god, look at all the dynamism there is to be had if a job seeker was so lucky to be endowed with as much of it as the market is:

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New Zealand is fucking dynamic:

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The word ‘dynamic’ has become an excellent filter for my job search – anyone who uses it is a fucking idiot that I cannot respect enough to work for – so thanks.

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Other job ad words and phrases that piss me off: ‘would suit a recent graduate’, they should just be honest and write ‘we pay shit wages but want high IQ.’ I’d apply for a low paying job in a field I wanted to work in if you’re just upfront about the money. Don’t cloak and dagger me like I’m an idiot. I’m just as cheap as you want me to be, baby.

The phrase ‘must be a team player’ sends me into convulsions. The only job where you need to be a team player is at McDonalds – nothing great was ever achieved by a team. Just leave me the fuck alone with my own work and we’ll play nice at lunch.

‘!’ Like, omigod you guys! A job! Can you believe it! Apply now before my Prozac wears off!

‘Results driven’ means ‘sell a lot of shit to justify your pay’ and the phrases ‘diverse’, ‘fast-paced’ and ‘exciting’ are all euphemisms to explain that they are understaffed and you will be working over your 40 hours every week to make up this shortfall, without pay.

The other issue I have with job ads are the dozens of spelling and grammatical errors; which wouldn’t bother me at all if I didn’t read things like this and think, ‘hypocrites’.

“Half of employers bin job applications with spelling errors”

Everybody makes mistakes, if the rest of the application is sound then one spelling mistake is just that – a mistake, you ass.

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Egotistical job ads make me laugh. I once read a job ad that said, “A great attitude is mandatory – you’ll be working with a set of legends in their field.” Sounds cool.

There are a few phrases that I deem no-gos for my own interests such as the purposefully ambiguous ‘culturally sensitive’ which anyone with a pulse understands as, ‘you’ll be working with foreigners who aren’t as sensitive as the company assumes’. The word ‘funky’ which went out at least twenty years ago and tells me that Sheila, the owner’s wife has WAY too much say in the day to day running of the business. ‘Mandatory drug test’ is another – what I huff in my own time is none of your business, unless it negatively affects my work, which it won’t. It does however, offend my personal premise of liberty.

I HATE reading a job ad that has bogged down the description with so many clichés that it becomes a meaningless string of words and phrases that don’t mean anything:

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And this perfume ad of job ads:

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All I’m advocating here is for a bit of honesty and simplicity. Some jobs are amazing, most jobs are average. Don’t lie about either. No one is excited to begin their career in aluminium extrusions but with time, they may come to respect and like the product and then you’ve bagged yourself a keeper. Don’t lie to the applicants about your perceived company ‘dynamism’ or even your own excellence, either be honest or be creative and do not resort to the d word unless you’re lampooning your own job ad. In which case, you’re great and I’m applying. LOOK AT MY APOSTROPHES IN THEIR PERFECTION.

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“Dear Sir’s,

I am very interested in the position of Client Manager in the education sector.

Sincerely,

I.Ronic”

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I reckon I could easily exceed that customer’s expectation being that I had forty hours a week to devote to them.

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Ok?

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In their defence, they are hiring someone who can proof their future job ads.

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I swear to God, I’m really great at “Maths”, it’s just maths that I suck at.

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You can trust these guys to print for you, they do all there own!

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“…I was Oprah’s underwear drawer throughout her talk-show career…”

 

About the Author:
‘Job seekers’ used to be called ‘unemployed’ but in the crazy, mixed up world of cultural Marxism, Johnny Q. is simply a hapless, down-on-his-luck, overqualified victim of an evil capitalist market who can’t catch a break.

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