Single Women: A Menagerie of Shitty Dads

It is the fault of men that today’s women is so, so single. It is not only the fault of single men (on which I have a lot to say about at another time) but it the fault of shitty dads all over the world who don’t actively ‘dad’ as the kids might verbanise. What we have are women who are afraid of men, women who don’t understand men and women who hate men.

samanthaWomen who hate men are terrifying. To find a life partner, a partner in crime, the Clyde to her Bonnie, the gazelle to her lioness, the modern women employs a variety of approaches, this type a rather aggressive one. These are the tinderers, the clubbers – the Samanthas if you prefer an outdated, middle aged reference. (And let’s be honest, if you’re reading this you probably do.) These women often verbally wax about the benefits of singledom and casual sex, but like anyone inspecting a piece of Chinese-made furniture might say, that veneer is awfully thin. What these women actually need, and usually want, is an alpha-male. These are the women who need a manly man to take charge and frankly – keep them in check. As they spread their aging labias across town, they become more and more disenfranchised with every loveless sexual encounter because it feeds into an underlying hatred of men in general. This is usually a direct result of their own father, who may have been abusive or just an asshole. He may have hated women, from his own traumatic childhood shit and taken it out on his daughter. I had a boss who was a classic alpha-female type. She would online date and tinder and pick up strangers in clubs but was always looking for the perfect man. The problem was, she wanted the rugged, manly man who was gruff and took charge and had more drive than her, but she couldn’t understand why none of these guys wouldn’t align with her left-wing political views and values. I wanted to tell her that she’d significantly reduced the pool of available men in her age group and sub-type by insisting on fornicating with the man equivalent of a unicorn but because she was an alpha-female she wouldn’t have listened to me anyway. Her own father, who she claimed was her mentor, was verbally abusive and very hard on her. Because she idolises him, her perception of men is entirely skewed. The sensitive ones that she employs and befriends are what she needs to feel safe, but the sexy, bearded ones are the packaging she prefers, so as she looks for this man her expectations are crushed when they don’t turn out to be pinkos. As I write this, she will be somewhere in the city, being impaled by a Viking and kicking him out the next day when she finds out he doesn’t think Caitlyn Jenner is a chick. These women are bitter, they are angry at men for taking advantage of situations that they have placed themselves in: they will fuck married men and then get angry that he cheated on his wife. This leads them to distrust and hate men more and a vicious pattern of thought and action and repercussion goes on and on. To these women I say this: examine your father/ex-husband, then forgive him.

jordan-andre-1Thankfully, these women are rare. In fact, most single gals fall into my classification numero two: the hopeless romantics. These women are serial monogamists, living in la-de-la candyland with expectations so unbelievable men would be exhausted from running around in their dreams. These women are often single because no one can live up to the fantasy. They may tinder or online date, they may even approach men in public. They often have crushes – especially celebrity ones –because what these women want is Bradley Cooper in a Maserati  and a life-plot like a Mills & Boon book. I had a friend of a friend whom I could never befriend because she wouldn’t marry the father of her child unless he bought her a ring that was worth at least $10,000. I don’t give a fuck if your boyfriend is the Tsar of Russia – if you put a price expectation on a symbol of commitment and love, you are a bitch. Never mind that she’d already let him sploosh in her ladycave and borne him a son, the REAL testament of their union was a tacky ring and I can only imagine a Jordan-esque wedding. Of course, she’d already netted her Valiant, the single version of her is the women who’s always saying things like, “I couldn’t marry any guy who wasn’t (hot, rich, green eyed, some specific race, tall, muscly, skinny) or wouldn’t (buy me flowers, treat me like a princess, have his own business) or was (hairy, short, balding, poor, from a place I hate)”. These women behave like this because they don’t know men, their own father was a dick, probably mostly to their mother. Alternatively, they had fantastic fathers and boyfriends who told them the almighty sun rose and fell solely for them. Let me tell you something dream ladies, when you’re 45 and your ovaries have shrivelled up and died leaving you with hundreds of menstruation cycles and not a thing to show for it, do you think that a few inches on a man’s height here or there matters that much? I am heartened by the fact though, and suitors should be too, that these women often rapidly adjust their expectations when they meet a man who they like, and eventually love. They may be high maintenance in the long run, but the man they marry will always be hirsute or chubby so in that way, a nice compromise is reached and an exchange of power takes place. The ones who never meet that man though are destined for spinsterhood. As they creep closer to forty, the list of requirements has reached colossal heights and includes now loving her cat babies. Here’s what I say to those women: a sensible requirements list for all men who come through your life is what you need. Read below:

  1. That he has the same values as you including religion if that’s important to you and politics if you’re a political animal which far less women should be, sorry ladies.
  2. That he respects and loves you
  3. That you both have similar life goals like children/no children, financial outlook, lifestyle etc. (The pragmatic things.)
  4. That he has ambition. This ensures that men of any station are attractive to women if they strive to be better. This is a man’s currency.

You should only add one more thing to this list – that thing is whatever you need it to be. Whether it’s culture, sense of humour, attractiveness (because there’s nothing wrong with wanting an attractive mate – just make sure you set your expectations in line with your own attractiveness), etc. Don’t be the girl with masturbatory dreams about the cast from Sons of Anarchy, be the woman of maturity and discernment who can see a man for his true worth.

bridget-joness-diaryAnd that leaves us with the last subset, the women who are so scared of men that sitting at home with a glass of wine watching Police Ten 7 is all the testosterone they need. These women had absent fathers, so they never knew how to talk to men or how to behave around men. They are liable to fall for the worst of them and when it goes wrong, shut themselves down from future chances for a fear that the same will happen. They are young but mostly older, often divorced, they do not tinder, they do not online date, they do not fuck strangers and they will not approach a man unless it’s for platonic reasons. To be wooed and captured, these women need to be approached like a wild horse – from a great distance, slowly, and with food. The risk is, by being so timid, they will never meet a man who’s not specifically placed (or been placed) in their path. These women need the help of outside influences to be matched –blind dates, meddling parents, work, gym, dinner parties, mutual friends, God etc. It is the bane of modern society that these occasions and subsequent couplings occur so infrequently as to make them relics of a Jane Austen world. These women usually find themselves alone, and not purposefully so. Perhaps they are true gems, worthy of the speculator who finds them; there is also the chance that they are fucking crazy and better left in the ground.

Nearly every older divorcee I have ever met is classified in this category, whatever happened to bring about a failed marriage is surely going to result in a woman feeling let down by a man they trusted so they isolate themselves. But it’s also for the babes who usually have divorced parents, and tentative relationships with their fathers. A young, eligible friend of mine believes in fate accompli – she doesn’t promote herself or place herself in positions to meet men, she just exists, about as sure to meet a man doing this as she is to lose weight by eating Kit Kats on the couch. Her Dad left her Mum when she was a kid and a parade of attractive boyfriends have undermined any trust she placed in them in cruel ways. I don’t advocate for these types of women to go so far as the first of our type in paragraph one, but if you want to meet good men you need to be where good men are. Ditto for the guys – if they want to meet ladies they need to go and talk to them. We can’t propagate the world on awkward side glances. To these women I say this: simply talking to men, with no agenda is the best way to not only feel them out, but to see if they like you. No chance of rejection and no expectation of future sex, marriage, babies etc. This is not the same thing as the friendzone, this is how to meet people. This is especially true for older single women – sitting on your lounge chair with a glass of wine in one hand and a glass of wine in the other will not help you get through life – that is the wallowing period and needs to be proceeded by the ‘new you’ period. So get onto it, and get onto a cruise ship asap.

I see a lot of single women, I know a lot of single women, and I know they would all love to be in a happy marriage, most with children and a mortgage. So to those who claim that I am sexist and old fashioned, to those women I say this: you are probably a lesbian.

About the Author:
Under the guise of a fictional bitch, this bitch bitches about other bitches.

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