If you’re old and lame like I am, unable to keep up with the doo-dads and whizz-bangs of today’s youth culture and can’t understand why anyone would listen to Ariana Grande by choice then please be upstanding for the first in a multi-part series to help you keep on top of all of these vital things so that you can communicate with your surly adolescent children and their haircuts. Join me in a round up of current cool shit, lame shit and other shit as we explore how far we can push a bad idea.
To accurately predict the next fad, I will input data from weekend brunch menus and hip hop lyrics into my state of the art supercomputer (my brain) and wait for it to fart out the next logical curiosity in:
From sturdy preserves jar to hipster cocktail container, the humble Mason jar has been elevated to a status far beyond its pedigree. Moustachioed bartenders flung off the pint glasses of servitude and decided to serve drinks in a receptacle of the same size that spills beer out the sides of your mouth when you take a sip. Sometimes it has to have a glass handle joined to the side like an adult sippy cup. Watching grown men drink from a Mason jar with a straw is why the West is not repopulating at historical levels.
Current Relevance: superceeded by skull head glass
Another repurposed old-timey thingamajig where we decided that glass milk bottles were stupid and replaced them with plastic ones, and then started to make glass milk bottle jars again and use them once a year at toddler parties with milk we poured out of plastic milk bottles.
Current Relevance: inner suburban mum
A hot cuppa’ joe served in a beaker doesn’t say, ‘We care so much about our coffee we want you to know we scienced it from scratch’ it says, ‘I’m a fucking twat’. You didn’t invent coffee, you didn’t even invent a new way to milk the beans you just combined hot water with a batch of Africa’s finest and charged me five dollars for it. And now some kid in the back has to wash a fucking beaker. Get your head out of your ass and put my coffee in a takeaway cup with a stamp of your café’s name on it.
Current Relevance: none
So with my highly technical experiments completed, what do I predict will be the next best thing?
With the emphasis on retro-appeal and ensuring imbibing is as complicated as possible, I am confident that the phallic Viking drinking horn will be the next big thing in the world of liquid consumption. You’re welcome, Ponsonby.