Systems vs. Skills

Oh.My.God. Can we stop talking about job candidate ability with systems and procedures already?

Yes, hi. I’m a fully functioning adult human being. I can learn computer stuff and businessney procedures. I can’t learn natural aptitude in leadership or human resources unless I try REALLY hard and who can be bothered?

I’m good at the things I’m good at – so let’s talk about those. Let’s not talk about how you use SAP / Google Analytics / MYOB / InsertGenericSoftwareHere and you need an employee who can use SAP / Google Analytics / MYOB / InsertGenericSoftwareHere. Woop-de-do. I’ve worked with literal monkeys who you could teach to use software.

YOUR COMPANY IS NOT SPECIAL.

All companies use computers, I can learn your software so stop asking me about this bullshit and expecting me to come to you fully trained in things that will take a person of average IQ a few hours to learn.

I can use excel – as a teenager I could make pie charts, as an adult I could make pivot tables and run v-lookups. I can learn, fuckwits. What sort of HR person/hiring manager/recruitment fuckwit asks people about software anymore? Are you recruiting someone from 1993?

BillClinton
Hello, I’m Billy Clinton from 1993. I don’t know how to use MYOB but I could still run the world’s largest economy, create the housing bubble and put my cigar out in all the right places.

I feel like I’m living in the dark ages here, don’t you want someone fabulous for your job?  So who cares if they know the minutiae of your software?

It’s SO redundant. WE LIVE IN A COMPUTER AGE! GODDAMN you baby boomers! We can use computer things and software and stuff – we don’t need a degree, LOOK DEEPER.

If you take nothing from this article then a least take in this succinctly put millennial quandary:

“Ugh. Of course I can learn software and procedures. But what INNATE skills do you need for the job?”

If you fucking fuckwits stopped spending so much time marinating in systems bullshit and started thinking about the kind of people you wanted to work for you, you’d probably find a distinction between the two and realise you’re hiring a personality and not a checklist.

But just in case we’re on a different trip, I have some businessney advice for you:

HIRE GOOD PEOPLE AND BE A GOOD COMPANY.

And perhaps for many for you – stop creating HR departments and filling them with puddle-lickers.

Because that’s how you get giardia.

With that said, here’s the Johnny Q. Jobseeker JOB SKILLS ad of the week:

  • Be available to work Monday – Friday between the hours of 10am -10pm (40 hours per week)
  • Be well spoken with exceptional written and verbal communication skills
  • Have heaps of energy, a positive attitude and be able to work in a fast paced environment
  • Be clear of criminal convictions
  • Have a clear credit history
  • Have 2 references readily contactable

Swear to goodness, this was a company’s list of requirements for a sales and marketing role. Can we all agree that none of these are skills? What they are is a arrangement of superfluous bollocks. I could think of at least ten things I would like my sales and marketing manager to have and none of them are on this archaic list. In fact, how can I actually be sure that this job ad has not travelled through time as some kind of cosmic yuk-yuk between old-timey recruiters?

 

About the Author:
‘Job seekers’ used to be called ‘unemployed’ but in the crazy, mixed up world of cultural Marxism, Johnny Q. is simply a hapless, down-on-his-luck, overqualified victim of an evil capitalist market who can’t catch a break.

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