Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part II

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part Two: The nonymous anonymous company satisfaction survey

A great brouhaha went down while I worked at the bank – and I like to take partial credit for its inception. This particular corporate behemoth was consistently rated among the top three for their customer service, and they wanted to be rated as highly in their staff satisfaction as well. Not too complicated – if the staff are happy, the customers are happy and everyone’s just an rollicking orgy of sweat glistened satisfaction. But this bank would not rest until their staff were the happiest fucking chorus of Oompa Loompas in Loompaland and they were going to beat it into us, whether we were satisfied or not. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part II

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part I

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part One: Meetings – why do they exist?

Everyone has a bad job story. Everyone knows someone with a bad job story. Some are horrific and serve as both a warning and a gratification for your own nine to five. My bad job story isn’t that bad in the scope of things, it’s just bad – contextually – in my own employment history. I’ve been felt up, puked on, made to clean urinals, told that my opinion “wasn’t worth shit”, been dobbed in to the cops, cleaned rotten fish water, been screamed at over fax toner and called every name under the sun and I can cope with all of that, because my worst job ever was counting money. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part I

Aeronautical Engineer Required to Build Paper Aeroplane

Going to university after prematurely leaving high school with no qualifications and working for a decade was the best thing I ever did. And while I have a hundred opinions about the validity of a degree and the uselessness of a feminist-Marxist education in postmodern literature, I felt empowered by my education and the opportunities it might afford me. Which, I now know in hindsight, were not afforded at all. Continue reading Aeronautical Engineer Required to Build Paper Aeroplane

I lived with a girl who wanted to wear my skin and three other stories about my flatmates

Tupperware Mary

I moved into my first flat when I was twenty with an affable, nerdy and completely unattractive British accountant who had just sensibly invested his money into a house in the burbs of Auckland. It was me, him and an overweight girl called Cindy who would say things to me like, “You’re welcome to borrow my clothes, we look around the same size” and, “It’s Friday night, aren’t you going out?” as she left with her boyfriend. There was also the memorable time that she woke me up by smooshing her face right into mine and yelling, “Is this pink eye?” Continue reading I lived with a girl who wanted to wear my skin and three other stories about my flatmates

Your Company is not Dynamic and Other Job Ad Clichés

What the fuck is up with using the word ‘dynamic’ in job ads? It’s the worst kind of hypocrisy from employers who want original, tailored cover letters and résumés from me, to use meaningless buzzwords in their own ads. This word irks me in particular because it conjures mental images of open plan office full of young, vigorous go-getters hungry for success with long, virile dicks and aggrandised smiles. Get the fuck outta here; no company looks like that. Continue reading Your Company is not Dynamic and Other Job Ad Clichés