job ad

From the endless job ad clichés to the unnerving first interviews and then to the throw-up first day, I think the worst part of any job application is the sycophantic cover letter that has to accompany it:

Dear nobody,

Thank you for not writing your name on the job ad, thereby forcing me to begin this letter by jamming myself straight into it instead of being able to lube it a bit first.

I am applying for your position of Executive Assistant Coordinator of Communications and Facilities Management (or what we used to call a secretary). I am extremely interested in the position because I believe that it will allow me to complete assigned tasks in return for money, which is the reason that we all want jobs and not, as you’d like to believe, because I care about the roofing industry on a meditative level. Because I find your ad to be vague, I shall guess the best I can to the qualities you’re looking for and try to raise convincing arguments as to why I am better than anyone else who applied, even though they might be Rhoades scholars or your son-in-law.

I am unsure as to how hard I should pimp myself, will it impress you more if I’m super confident or would you prefer a softer sell? All the work stuff you need to know about me can be found on my CV, except the most important part about me which is how funny and cool I am, and how working with me is easy because I do the shit that needs to be done and I’m not a fucking asshole. But you won’t hire me for those reasons, because without meeting me, you’ll never know because you think a cover letter is a fair evaluation of my entire humanity.

There’s a really good chance that I can figure out the job at my own pace, which will probably only take a couple of months and hopefully longer because lets be honest, if you hire me and the job is easy and I feel unchallenged, I will leave and you’ll have to spend another few grand hiring someone else. But no doubt, you’ll hire someone over-qualified because I can only assume the market is saturated with first-rate Executive Assistant Coordinators of Communication and Facilities Management that have been doing THIS EXACT job for six years and probably only want to change companies because they hate everyone they work with.

I’m fairly sure I’ll never hear from you, but let me once again relay how much I would like to have a chance in person to kiss your ass further about this fascinating position in your dynamic company.

Yours Sincerely,

Increasingly Jaded Job Seeker