Job Seeker’s Schadenfreude

There is but one point to this post – to make all your C.V. spelling mistakes seem completely normal and a part of life. Which they are. Like that time I spelled ‘peaked’ instead of ‘piqued’ on a cover letter for an sub-editing job… Continue reading Job Seeker’s Schadenfreude

The Curse of Occupational Oratory Overuse – or – Icky Corporate Phrases

“I’m not across that”

Do you understand what you’re saying when you say, “I’m not across that”? You’re saying, “I don’t know” except that you’re saying it like a turd. If Jeremy is “not across that” and Sally isn’t “across it” either, then Jeremy and Sally don’t know dick. There’s something about this phrase that is sanctimoniously satisfying to say, like the phrase ‘sanctimoniously satisfying to say’, and I think that’s why it’s caught on so much in corporations. Every time someone says to me, “I’m not across that” I just realise that not only do they know fuck all about what I’ve asked them, but they love the feel of their linguistic tongue formation – so I try to engage their tongue less by not talking to them again. Continue reading The Curse of Occupational Oratory Overuse – or – Icky Corporate Phrases

Dynamism II: The Return of Dynamism

I’m just kidding with the title – dynamism never left! It just hangs around job ads like a bum at the liquor store.

In my continuing and seemingly ongoing quest to root out job ad atrocities, and in particular the reprehensible and unendearing overuse of the word ‘dynamic‘, please read on for the latest and completely unscheduled installment of job ad abortions. Continue reading Dynamism II: The Return of Dynamism

Systems vs. Skills

Oh.My.God. Can we stop talking about job candidate ability with systems and procedures already?

Yes, hi. I’m a fully functioning adult human being. I can learn computer stuff and businessney procedures. I can’t learn natural aptitude in leadership or human resources unless I try REALLY hard and who can be bothered? Continue reading Systems vs. Skills

Sample Cover Letter

From the endless job ad clichés to the unnerving first interviews and then to the throw-up first day, I think the worst part of any job application is the sycophantic cover letter that has to accompany it:

Dear nobody,

Thank you for not writing your name on the job ad, thereby forcing me to begin this letter by jamming myself straight into it instead of being able to lube it a bit first. Continue reading Sample Cover Letter

You’re Gonna Go Far in Media, Kid

Stories that begin with, “one time I…” usually end up being stinkers. One time I went to a job interview two hours away from where I lived. I took two buses and a train, then I walked about 2 kilometres down a highway to Shitsville, NSW for an interview with a company that was clearly going down the toilet. Continue reading You’re Gonna Go Far in Media, Kid

Sympathy for the Lazy

I’d consider myself a pretty average Johnny, but like any other (relatively) young person looking for a job in the current market, I assume that I’m worth far more than I really am. So it’s no surprise that I am having trouble finding one because I’m not willing to settle for anything that I consider beneath me. I have decided by process of elimination that this excludes every job that ever existed except African dictator, extremely famous pop musician or lesbian porn film director. Continue reading Sympathy for the Lazy