You’re Gonna Go Far in Media, Kid

Stories that begin with, “one time I…” usually end up being stinkers. One time I went to a job interview two hours away from where I lived. I took two buses and a train, then I walked about 2 kilometres down a highway to Shitsville, NSW for an interview with a company that was clearly going down the toilet. Continue reading You’re Gonna Go Far in Media, Kid

Sympathy for the Lazy

I’d consider myself a pretty average Johnny, but like any other (relatively) young person looking for a job in the current market, I assume that I’m worth far more than I really am. So it’s no surprise that I am having trouble finding one because I’m not willing to settle for anything that I consider beneath me. I have decided by process of elimination that this excludes every job that ever existed except African dictator, extremely famous pop musician or lesbian porn film director. Continue reading Sympathy for the Lazy

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part IV

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part four: I’m a Bielieber, baby

It may have been an equal combination of my own belligerence and their bullshit that led to the breakdowns in my previous articles, but the final blow for my career in banking came from that Canadian songstress Justin Bieber. See, while we were sitting row upon row in our quasi-communist processing factory, side by side with business and economics students and single mums, we weren’t allowed to talk. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part IV

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part III

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part Three: Philosophise this

Resisting indoctrination is one of my favourite pastimes. The feeling of freeing yourself from mob mentality is like a hit of sugar to a diabetes patient, only you get to keep your legs. But ok, we live in a world where there’s a lot of talking and meetings but not always a lot of doing. So called ‘menial’ work has been replaced with what I’ve been told are called ‘new service professionals’ although I know for sure that I’d pay someone a hundred times more to take away my garbage than to manage my company Snapchat account. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part III

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part II

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part Two: The nonymous anonymous company satisfaction survey

A great brouhaha went down while I worked at the bank – and I like to take partial credit for its inception. This particular corporate behemoth was consistently rated among the top three for their customer service, and they wanted to be rated as highly in their staff satisfaction as well. Not too complicated – if the staff are happy, the customers are happy and everyone’s just an rollicking orgy of sweat glistened satisfaction. But this bank would not rest until their staff were the happiest fucking chorus of Oompa Loompas in Loompaland and they were going to beat it into us, whether we were satisfied or not. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part II

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part I

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part One: Meetings – why do they exist?

Everyone has a bad job story. Everyone knows someone with a bad job story. Some are horrific and serve as both a warning and a gratification for your own nine to five. My bad job story isn’t that bad in the scope of things, it’s just bad – contextually – in my own employment history. I’ve been felt up, puked on, made to clean urinals, told that my opinion “wasn’t worth shit”, been dobbed in to the cops, cleaned rotten fish water, been screamed at over fax toner and called every name under the sun and I can cope with all of that, because my worst job ever was counting money. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part I

Aeronautical Engineer Required to Build Paper Aeroplane

Going to university after prematurely leaving high school with no qualifications and working for a decade was the best thing I ever did. And while I have a hundred opinions about the validity of a degree and the uselessness of a feminist-Marxist education in postmodern literature, I felt empowered by my education and the opportunities it might afford me. Which, I now know in hindsight, were not afforded at all. Continue reading Aeronautical Engineer Required to Build Paper Aeroplane

Your Company is not Dynamic and Other Job Ad Clichés

What the fuck is up with using the word ‘dynamic’ in job ads? It’s the worst kind of hypocrisy from employers who want original, tailored cover letters and résumés from me, to use meaningless buzzwords in their own ads. This word irks me in particular because it conjures mental images of open plan office full of young, vigorous go-getters hungry for success with long, virile dicks and aggrandised smiles. Get the fuck outta here; no company looks like that. Continue reading Your Company is not Dynamic and Other Job Ad Clichés