Sample Cover Letter

From the endless job ad clichés to the unnerving first interviews and then to the throw-up first day, I think the worst part of any job application is the sycophantic cover letter that has to accompany it:

Dear nobody,

Thank you for not writing your name on the job ad, thereby forcing me to begin this letter by jamming myself straight into it instead of being able to lube it a bit first.

I am applying for your position of Executive Assistant Coordinator of Communications and Facilities Management (or what we used to call a secretary). I am extremely interested in the position because I believe that it will allow me to complete assigned tasks in return for money, which is the reason that we all want jobs and not, as you’d like to believe, because I care about the roofing industry on a meditative level. Because I find your ad to be vague, I shall guess the best I can to the qualities you’re looking for and try to raise convincing arguments as to why I am better than anyone else who applied, even though they might be Rhoades scholars or your son-in-law.

I am unsure as to how hard I should pimp myself, will it impress you more if I’m super confident or would you prefer a softer sell? All the work stuff you need to know about me can be found on my CV, except the most important part about me which is how funny and cool I am, and how working with me is easy because I do the shit that needs to be done and I’m not a fucking asshole. But you won’t hire me for those reasons, because without meeting me, you’ll never know because you think a cover letter is a fair evaluation of my entire humanity.

There’s a really good chance that I can figure out the job at my own pace, which will probably only take a couple of months and hopefully longer because lets be honest, if you hire me and the job is easy and I feel unchallenged, I will leave and you’ll have to spend another few grand hiring someone else. But no doubt, you’ll hire someone over-qualified because I can only assume the market is saturated with first-rate Executive Assistant Coordinators of Communication and Facilities Management that have been doing THIS EXACT job for six years and probably only want to change companies because they hate everyone they work with.

I’m fairly sure I’ll never hear from you, but let me once again relay how much I would like to have a chance in person to kiss your ass further about this fascinating position in your dynamic company.

Yours Sincerely,

Increasingly Jaded Job Seeker

You’re Gonna Go Far in Media, Kid

Stories that begin with, “one time I…” usually end up being stinkers. One time I went to a job interview two hours away from where I lived. I took two buses and a train, then I walked about 2 kilometres down a highway to Shitsville, NSW for an interview with a company that was clearly going down the toilet. Continue reading You’re Gonna Go Far in Media, Kid

Sympathy for the Lazy

I’d consider myself a pretty average Johnny, but like any other (relatively) young person looking for a job in the current market, I assume that I’m worth far more than I really am. So it’s no surprise that I am having trouble finding one because I’m not willing to settle for anything that I consider beneath me. I have decided by process of elimination that this excludes every job that ever existed except African dictator, extremely famous pop musician or lesbian porn film director. Continue reading Sympathy for the Lazy

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part IV

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part four: I’m a Bielieber, baby

It may have been an equal combination of my own belligerence and their bullshit that led to the breakdowns in my previous articles, but the final blow for my career in banking came from that Canadian songstress Justin Bieber. See, while we were sitting row upon row in our quasi-communist processing factory, side by side with business and economics students and single mums, we weren’t allowed to talk. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part IV

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part III

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part Three: Philosophise this

Resisting indoctrination is one of my favourite pastimes. The feeling of freeing yourself from mob mentality is like a hit of sugar to a diabetes patient, only you get to keep your legs. But ok, we live in a world where there’s a lot of talking and meetings but not always a lot of doing. So called ‘menial’ work has been replaced with what I’ve been told are called ‘new service professionals’ although I know for sure that I’d pay someone a hundred times more to take away my garbage than to manage my company Snapchat account. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part III

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part II

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part Two: The nonymous anonymous company satisfaction survey

A great brouhaha went down while I worked at the bank – and I like to take partial credit for its inception. This particular corporate behemoth was consistently rated among the top three for their customer service, and they wanted to be rated as highly in their staff satisfaction as well. Not too complicated – if the staff are happy, the customers are happy and everyone’s just an rollicking orgy of sweat glistened satisfaction. But this bank would not rest until their staff were the happiest fucking chorus of Oompa Loompas in Loompaland and they were going to beat it into us, whether we were satisfied or not. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part II

Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part I

A four part retelling of a three month saga.

Part One: Meetings – why do they exist?

Everyone has a bad job story. Everyone knows someone with a bad job story. Some are horrific and serve as both a warning and a gratification for your own nine to five. My bad job story isn’t that bad in the scope of things, it’s just bad – contextually – in my own employment history. I’ve been felt up, puked on, made to clean urinals, told that my opinion “wasn’t worth shit”, been dobbed in to the cops, cleaned rotten fish water, been screamed at over fax toner and called every name under the sun and I can cope with all of that, because my worst job ever was counting money. Continue reading Memoirs of a Failed Financier or The Justin Bieber Bank Diaries Part I

Aeronautical Engineer Required to Build Paper Aeroplane

Going to university after prematurely leaving high school with no qualifications and working for a decade was the best thing I ever did. And while I have a hundred opinions about the validity of a degree and the uselessness of a feminist-Marxist education in postmodern literature, I felt empowered by my education and the opportunities it might afford me. Which, I now know in hindsight, were not afforded at all. Continue reading Aeronautical Engineer Required to Build Paper Aeroplane